*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain