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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When the stylist spins you back around
This will never not be funny 😭
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.