Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You Might Also Like
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.