grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.