remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
You Might Also Like
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
🔦🌙👣
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.