I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
We’re all getting idioter.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
i now pronounce you bounced.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.