[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
What’s so funny?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
uncle dave has been through hell
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.