My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
You Might Also Like
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Batman v Dracula
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[shakes fist at other fist]
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Good point.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.