Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference