I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
That’s amazing.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.