I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
boat question
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I need to update my racial profile.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*