Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away