Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
O Wise One….
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”