just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is