The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
i made a craigslist ad !
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.