me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
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Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset