From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Worlds greatest photobomb
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working