Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?