Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I don’t make the rules sorry
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.