HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena