How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
#MeanwhileInCanada
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.