[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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termite twitter scares me
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
not seeing the problem
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.