Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.