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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
he was correct