“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Guys, I found it.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!