Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night