[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook