(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.