Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers