Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
This trial is so absurd 😭
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor