“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
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Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
kids play hide and seek like
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
“OMGJK” -atheists
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season