[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.