Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you