I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Yeah. This was me today.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*