You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Home is where your toilet is.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Just a bush.