Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”