Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
never compromise your values
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.