I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I saw this ending much differently.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
This is so me 😂😂
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life