(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.