*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
let’s discuss
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.