“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”