*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️