Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
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Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!