I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
You Might Also Like
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches