*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.