[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
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i did the math
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!