I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
This forever.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]