Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You Might Also Like
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.