If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.