Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Finished stitching this today 😇
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.